Missed the Spectacular? Never fear, I’ve got the best part of it right here. It’s my skit, which I slaved over a hot word processor for tens of minutes to pull out of my nethers. And don’t worry, it’s just as hilarious to read as it was to hear live.
THE FIRST NO BELL
[Totally Not A Lame-O Movie Parody]
By Just Bob
CHARACTERS:
Narrator
Just Bob
Crazy Bob
Nasty Bob
The Blake
Narrator: We’d like to say this won’t be some moronic meta sketch about writing a sketch for the spectacular, but we’d be lying if we did. We’d also like to say this isn’t simply an exercise in filling up valuable airtime with some self-indulgent holiday-related hurricane of cliches, but if you’ve listened to this station for long, you know that it probably will be. But never mind that right now… Picture the scene: interior, VerStandig Media broadcasting castle bullpen. Just Bob sits at his desk, trying fruitlessly to conquer his ongoing chronic case of writer’s block.
Just Bob: What can I do that hasn’t been done to death? This is the 13th Spectacular, and every year for the last 12 years I’ve been unable to avoid getting stuck having to write something, which usually turns out to be some half-baked movie parody full of weak puns and overly specific jokes that I threw together in twenty agonizing minutes the day before it’s due.
Crazy Bob: Oh, hi, JB. How’s your skit coming along?
Just Bob: Honestly? I’m totally bereft of ideas. I can’t think of a single concept we haven’t already pounded into the ground.
Crazy Bob: What about a movie parody?
Just Bob: Are you kidding? I’ve written like ten of those.
Crazy Bob: You haven’t done A Christmas Story. That would make a good skit.
Just Bob: I did that in 2011. It was your idea! I ended up watching the DVD nine times in a row! The first draft was 20 pages long!
Crazy Bob: No way, really?
Nasty Bob: What’s going on?
Crazy Bob: Just Bob has writer’s block. I suggested he parody A Christmas Story.
Nasty Bob: We did that in 2011. It was your idea! JB ended up watching the DVD eleven times in a row! The first draft was 27 pages long! However, it was the funniest skit we’ve ever done, by a long shot.
Crazy Bob: You’re all yanking me! That really does not ring a bell…
Nasty Bob: Well, you love Charlie Brown, right, JB? Why not do A Charlie Brown Christmas? That one is a classic!
Crazy Bob: Great idea!
Just Bob: I did that in 2019.
Nasty Bob: You did? Really?
Just Bob: Yeah. I think that was his idea too. It was a magnificent piece of audio drama to be sure… but it’s been done before.
Nasty Bob: That’s right. I remember now. You really should’ve gotten a major award for that one.
Crazy Bob: Oh, that was definitely my idea, then.
Just Bob: Well, why don’t we just do that one again, then? It’s not like anyone will know the difference. Most of the audience goes to the bathroom during these skits anyway. We’ll call it an encore presentation. I’ve got the script saved on my computer. I’ll just print it out.
Narrator: The Blake Enters. [BEAT] I said, The Blake enters! Applause!!
The Blake: I was just hiding around the corner eavesdropping, and I could swear I overheard Just Bob trying to weasel out of writing a new skit! That’s not true, is it?
Just Bob: Heh…no! No, of course not!
Nasty Bob: He was just kidding.
Crazy Bob: He was totally gonna do it. Just repeat the one from 2018.
Just Bob: [exasperated]: 2019!
Crazy Bob: 2019, right. That was my idea. So I’m told. The skit, I mean, not repeating it.
The Blake: So why don’t you want to write a new skit?
Just Bob: I’ve got writer’s block. I can’t seem to think of a single good idea that we haven’t done already.
The Blake: Can you think of a single good idea that we have done?
Nasty Bob: I was not told there was going to be a quiz.
Crazy Bob: Ooh, I’ve got it! How about a Twilight parody?
Nasty Bob: That rings a bell. Didn’t we do that one too?
Just Bob: Yes, nine years ago when the last Twilight movie came out.
Crazy Bob: Nine years ago? Are you kidding me?
Just Bob: Yeah, I even managed to work an oral sex joke into that one and nobody even noticed.
The Blake: Is that true?
Just Bob: Oh, yeah. Edward tells Bella he wants to eat her, you know, like drink her blood, and she says she needs to go home and wax first. I’m still kind of proud of that one.
The Blake: All right, I’ll give you that one. But even so, this is the 13th spectacular, not the 30th. There’s got to be hundreds of Christmas concepts we haven’t done before.
Crazy Bob: What about Die Hard? That’s totally a Christmas movie.
Nasty Bob: That’s true. We’ve received official word from the home office. Die Hard is 100% totally a Christmas movie.
The Blake: There you go, Just Bob! Die Hard it is! Yippie ky aye, movie lovers!
Just Bob: We did that in 2017! I combined Die Hard and Airheads. Instead of writing an ending I had it go into one of my own songs. That one’s going to Broadway next year.
The Blake: You’re just making up stuff now.
Just Bob: Really? I feel like this is turning into a parody of Fifty First Dates, because no one seems to be able to remember anything!
Crazy Bob: I’ve got it! You could do Fifty First Dates! Or Fifty Shades of Grey! Or Grey’s Anatomy!
Nasty Bob: You’re not even trying anymore, are you? You’re just repeating the last thing you hear.
Crazy Bob: Look, you can’t just whip out this kind of genius! Hey… excuse me, while I whip this out! You could do Blazing Saddles!
The Blake: Blazing Saddles? What does that have to do with Christmas?
Just Bob: Not a thing! Yet we still did it before! I watched the DVD, took copious notes, and condensed a 90-minute movie down to a six-page script that made absolutely no sense whatsoever!
Crazy Bob: Now that sounds familiar.
The Blake: Yeah, it sounds like when JB did A Christmas Story. You watched the DVD what, 30 times in a row? And the first draft was fifty pages long?
Just Bob: At least. What I need is a vacation.
Crazy Bob: I’ve got it!
Nasty Bob: I’m warning you. Don’t say Christmas Vacation.
The Blake: Have we done that one?
Just Bob: What, Christmas Vacation?
Nasty Bob: Have we?
Crazy Bob: I don’t think we have. Doesn’t anyone keep track of this stuff?
The Blake: Are you kidding? With everything going on, I’m surprised we even managed to pull the whole thing together at all.
Crazy Bob: Well then why don’t you do Christmas Vacation, JB?
The Blake: Yeah, that’ll be pretty funny. Especially in the hands of Just Bob, our resident Nobel Prize winner.
Nasty Bob: Nobel Prize winner?
Crazy Bob: OK, then. It’s settled. We’ll do Christmas Vacation. The Blake can be Cousin Eddie! Nasty Bob can be Ellen! JB can be Rusty, you know he was played by the Big Bang Theory guy in this one. I’ll be Clark! Wait til they see me fall down!
The Blake: The audience can’t see you, this is radio! Well… the audience here in the room can see you… the staffers can see you… the sound crew can see you. But that’s it! No one else.
Nasty Bob: Wait, I thought we were in the bullpen?
Just Bob: Yeah, yeah, I think this one got away from me.
Crazy Bob: So are we doing Christmas Vacation?
The Blake: Not this year.
Nasty Bob: Why not?
The Blake: Because we’re out of time. We spent the entire time allotted for this skit talking about what this skit was going to be about.
Crazy Bob: So no Griswolds?
Just Bob: Ah, don’t be sad, big guy! We’ll do it next year… and look at it this way. Now I’ve got a whole year to write it, and I totally won’t wait until the absolute last possible minute and then throw a bunch of slapdash dad jokes together and cringe the whole time we’re reading it because it’s an embarrassing pile of tripe!
Nasty Bob: Like this, you mean?
Just Bob: No, this is called breaking the fourth wall.
The Blake: No, it’s called extreme laziness. I would say you’re phoning it in but that would be a slap to the face of people who phone it in. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Just Bob: I would be, except for the part where I just got all of you to do my work for me.
Narrator: Tune in 365 days from now, more or less, as we present The Bobs in Christmas Vacation, a totally sophisticated parody and not a tired rehash on the order of the later Scary Movies, you know… the ones with Charlie Sheen after the Wayans Brothers dropped out.
Nasty Bob: Wait, when did Just Bob win the Nobel Prize?
Just Bob: Happy holidays, everybody!
Narrator: APPLAUSE!!
